Twenty twenty-three will be the year I stop putting too much pressure on myself.
2023 is the year that I will do the things that I want to do in life.
Last year was a year of great change and paralysis. It was the year in which I finished my undergraduate degree(s) and the question of what I truly wanted to do in the future stared me straight in the face.
It was the year that I told myself I was going to take half a year off to find myself, take a break, and work on what I wanted to work on, only to then jump immediately into a casual/part-time job. It’s not a terrible job and many of my coworkers are awesome but let’s just say I didn’t feel refreshed in semester 2 of 2022, only even more dead.
2023 is the year in which I certainly caught COVID (as in I literally had it last week), after three years of mum insisting that we must’ve caught it in 2019 in Taiwan when we went up Alishan and suffered from what was probably just altitude sickness. Whilst COVID most certainly f*cking sucks, this is the closest to a break that I’ve felt I’ve had in five years. Which has given me time to reflect on things.
As much as I like a lot of my coworkers, I don’t want to work in this job for three years. I want a job that lets me live life in the way that I want to and do the things that I want to do. Hopefully, and in a manifesting vibe, this is the year.
This year, I’ll be doing an honours degree in Linguistics and I’m scared sh*tless. My final undergraduate linguistics paper was an essay course and it didn’t go amazing. COVID disruptions, bad communication with my supervisor, and terrible self study capability meant I started late and progressed slowly. In the end, my essay was more of a summary of the interesting tidbits I discovered and offered no true insights. I’m worried that this time round will be similar.
Last year I read from start to finish a grand sum total of two books — Cat’s Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut and The Little Prince (in English) by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. This year, I’ve read two: Mr Salary by Sally Rooney and Before the Coffee Gets Cold by Toshikazu Kawaguchi; though the first is a tiny book and the second is a collection of short stories.
I like to say that I hate reading and that is true to an extent. It feels like such an effort to focus on a singular static object - the page - but once I get into it, time flies. I buy a ton of books though. As many of us ask ourselves, “why do I buy so many books?” — Well, we did it with the intention to read them so... I shall read more books this year.
I used to use artificial deadlines and the pressure imposed by announcing things to the public to try and motivate me to do more writing. As my track record shows, that doesn’t work. So I won’t repeat that mistake this year and I’ll only say that I had been doing some writing in late 2022. And I actually felt pretty good about it. Diamonds are formed under pressure but I’m obviously not a diamond.
I turned twenty-three last year and I’ll turn twenty-four this year. As much as I lie to myself, I’m not at the place in my life that I wanted to be at. I should change that.
Last year, after let’s say 4.6 years of dealing with my beautiful yet flawed laptop, the HP Spectre 13, I bought a MacBook Air. It was a big decision for me, having used Windows for the majority of my life but I just couldn’t deal with another laptop with flaws. There’s loads of great Windows laptops, e.g. the Dell XPS, Surface, but after months of deliberating, I chose a Mac. Amazing and reliable battery life, speedy processor, and still lightweight like my Spectre.
I spent too much money last year. But I wanted to celebrate finishing my degree and my birthday… and refresh some of my gear. I bought a cool bottle, a new wallet (was using one my dad got for free on the street in TW), my own mug, some notebooks, and more. Honestly, it made me happy. Part of that was probably the retail therapy effect but honestly it felt nice to be able to get what I wanted and not settle.
It was such an interesting feeling every time I went to the university last year. Free from courses, assignments and responsibilities, it felt so pleasant to walk through the campus. You see the environ, the people, and the buildings in a different light. My friend came back from Aussie recently and commented how our buildings are nicer; theirs are all white and square. I see ours as old and outdated. What an interesting thought.
I’m trying to think about the days when I was happy last year and it was probably the rare weeks where I had very few or no shifts. Though of course, my wallet was crying. Oh the irony how we’re so dependent on money for happiness. The last Instagram post I made was from August when I decided to “treat myself” after one of my first paychecks. Oh what a different time.
Last year I said I was going to start a series of reflections on various things in my life, ranging from the aforementioned laptop purchase, to contemplating my life. But it felt too personal so the only reflections that have occurred are in my head. This is the closest I’ll get here.
There was no plan to what I was going to say here. Old me would’ve been so triggered by how badly this flowed, but I’ll swallow my irritation.
So all I’ll say, as I always do, is thanks for reading. Cya.